How Biblical Marriage Becomes So Good
Several weeks ago I shared a link on Facebook from Hidden Brain, a podcast I often listen to during my commute. This episode, titled "When did Marriage Become so Hard?", presented some fascinating research about cultural shifts in our understanding of marriage throughout history as well as analysis of the current trend toward high divorce rates. And while I don't suggest that this research can offer the best advice for marriage (For instance, the conclusion at the end that some marriages would benefit from consensual non-monogamy stands not only in direct contrast to Biblical directive, but could have devastating consequences in its potential to breed envy, distrust, and disunity in any marriage, biblical or not.), the research does present an opportunity to discuss certain aspects of biblical marriage as they compare to history and to our current culture. I had some great conversations in response to this episode, and, because I couldn't get the topic out of my brain, here I present a few of my own reflections on the podcast's research.
The Bible's High Expectation for Marriage
Often when we come to the Bible, it can be tempting to dig around for one-liners and proof-text about how to solve our problems. But our Holy Book is not meant as a list of rules or compendium of life hacks. It is a complex collection of various literary styles that showcase the beautiful narrative of God's creation of our world and His remarkable act of redemption. So, while the Bible can teach us important principles about marriage, we have to be careful about how we understand and apply the passages that discuss marriage.
It is useful to consider that any time the Bible mentions marriage, it refers to an institution that the text's first readers would have seen as primarily economic, as the podcast suggests. This actually makes verses like "husbands should love their wives like Christ loved the church" remarkably counter-cultural. If marriage during biblical times wasn't seen as a "love match," then to be encouraged to care for our spouses in a self-sacrificing way is asking more of marriage than would be culturally normative. During a time when marriage (and especially the acquiring of wives) was more about familial preservation and economic stability, the Bible suggests a rather radical idea. Spouses should sacrifice for the betterment of the other, meaning that in one sense, the Bible actually has higher expectations for marriage than its culture did.
The Lie of Self-Actualization in Marriage
At the same time, the Bible has some lower expectations for marriage than the pressures described in our current culture. When we come to the Bible with the modern expectation that marriage exists for my own self-actualization, we will be confused by scripture as well as constantly disappointed by our own experiences. How could die-to-self love or submission support my goal to self-actualize? Why doesn't my spouse measure up to Christ in the way he loves me? How do I make sure that I'm getting what I need from the relationship?
A me-focused approach to marriage will always fall short because the Bible presents Jesus as our route to self-actualization, not marriage. We can only understand ourselves fully and become what we were meant to be by submitting our desires to God's design for humanity. We must trade in our priorities for those pictured in the life of Jesus.
Additionally, debunking the myth that marriage is required for self-actualization means we can more fully celebrate and affirm both our single brothers and sisters as well as seasons of singleness in our own life. When I am expecting self-actualization to come from following Jesus, then I can enjoy the diversity of ways that God does His work—through reading my Bible and prayer, engaging in village-like community, in my work, and more.
The Work of Marriage
The researcher interviewed in this podcast suggests that "Mount Maslow" has beautiful views but requires significant work to experience.
The remarkable thing about biblical marriage is that God often uses this unique other-focused relationship as a tool for spiritual sharpening. Meaning, we should expect trials, challenges, and the need for hard work. Though not required for personal growth, marriage can be a powerful mountain-scaling experience that contributes to our betterment in unique ways. When we look to Jesus for our identity formation, we are inspired to love our spouses in the way that Jesus has loved us. This takes the pressure off of the marriage itself to be the agent of change and rightly recognizes God as our soul shaper. And, it turns out that Christ's love not only transforms us in an inward way, but bleeds out into the way we love others.
So what does that mean for the work of marriage? As in the pinot analogy, we will need to tend to our marriage (or any meaningful relationships for that matter) with intentionality and care. If we want to love our spouse with the kind of intimacy that Jesus shows us, we must take the time to get to know him. God has the omniscient advantage when He loves us, but when we try to translate His love to human relationships, it means investing time and energy to understand what words and actions will express our love most effectively.
The Sin Problem in Marriage
In the section on "love hacks," author Eli Finkel suggests that one way to grow closer in marriage is to begin to see your spouse not as fundamentally flawed (he is an angry person) but as someone who made a bad choice in a particular moment (he reacted in an angry way because he had a bad day). While this mental shift is admirable and could certainly be useful, the Bible offers an even better way. The problem with trying to always excuse your partner's behavior due to outside circumstances is that it offers no hope that your negative experiences with his behavior will end. Life will always present strenuous circumstances, so if your partner's behavior is truly hurtful, then you may lose hope in the value of staying married.
By contrast, the Bible suggests that our bad behavior actually is related to fundamental flaws. Our spouse really is as bad as we think—and so are we! But God offers us a real and lasting solution in the transformative power of the gospel. The Bible promises that when God begins working in our hearts, he sees it through to completion. He performs heart surgery on our fundamental flaws, changing us from the inside out to look more like him. Once we become a Christian, the Bible claims that we are given a new heart. Your spouse no longer is an angry person, but he is someone who will sin in anger, someone who God will also continue renewing day by day. This offers a different kind of hope—no longer am I hoping in my spouse to fix himself or hoping that circumstances will get easier so that his anger won't flare up. I can instead trust in God to both work in my spouse and to grow my own perseverance.
More than that, the Bible describes our negative actions as the manifestation of sin. In biblical marriage, spouses make sin a common enemy. A hurtful interaction then transforms from "me versus you" to "us versus sin." Instead of accusing my husband of hurting me, I present him with scripture (that is, in my best moments, this is what I strive to do). I humbly show him that his words or actions have not only offended me, but have offended God. And this doesn't need to come from a place of self-righteousness because I am just as guilty before our holy God as he is. Because we both commit to following Jesus, there is always room to find common ground. We can stand side-by-side as partners in confessing our sin and praising God for his forgiveness. We can love each other with foolish abandon because God has first loved us. We can enjoy the mountain together, trusting God that He is using our marriage struggles to accomplish our self-actualization.
The balance struck by the simultaneously lower and higher expectations for biblical marriage means that we can enjoy this strange, culturally evolving institution without letting it rule over us. As I listened to the research on this episode, I was continually amazed at how well designed biblical marriage is. And the more I learn from history and culture—and even my own flawed experiences—the more I stand in awe.