"This is Not the Life I Chose"
This week I had the opportunity to join my pastors on the Cornerstone podcast for a discussion of settling in for the long haul of the current Covid-19 pandemic. We covered a lot of ground—from loving your neighbor (yes, even the little ones that keep asking for water and bandaids) to managing your mental health—all with a few digressions in between.
On the episode, I shared a refrain that is worth confessing again here. Has this thought also been going through your head?
This is not the life I chose.
As I clear out the cobwebs from early-stage Safer at Home, the Spirit is bringing more clarity to the implications behind such an insidious thought. I’m humbled by the amount of privilege unseated by this lament. In struggling with a loss of choice, I realize just how much freedom I regularly take for granted.
I will explain.
More than seven years into my parenting journey, I have become quite comfortable with the status quo. Being a duel-income household was not our original plan, but God allowed flourishing despite my forced hand. Turns out I actually love working, and my particular line of work allows me to love my family and community in out-of-the-box ways. But once work became more of a want to than have to, we made a point of annually revisiting the conversation. In wisdom, we want to consider what work/family arrangement is best for us all.
Perhaps this is why our current (impossible) work-from-home scenario is so jarring. This is not the life I chose. I wanted to be thoughtful about working in such a way that benefited my children, not sourced their trauma. So every time I shoo their downcast face from the background of a zoom call, my heart pleads for them to understand. i didn’t want to do this to you. I don’t like this either.
As I’m processing my own frustration, I have never been more appreciative of the brothers and sisters in my church who have lived the road on which I now am limping. Anyone who has endured the brokenness of sin-laden systems or unforeseen circumstances can preach far more profoundly about perseverance in trial. I am learning from these friends that choice—attending college, studying whatever sounded fun, choosing a spouse, considering when to have children—these are not automatic freedoms for all.
Often, God grants us the grace of standing on the shoulders of the faithful in our midst. These sisters lift up my countenance. These brothers show me how God’s way is better than my own.
This is not the life I chose. But it is the life that God has chosen for me, and I can trust in His good plan. “The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.” And he is here to give us an abundance beyond what our earthly minds can comprehend.
Lord, let me have eyes to see it.